Quotes in the category humor
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.
Narcotics Anonymous
The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.
Jane Austen
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
Garrison Keillor
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
Jim Henson
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Terry Pratchett
Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.
Suzanne Collins
A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.
Jane Austen
Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?""Yes,"said Harry stiffly."Yes, sir.""There's no need to call me "sir"Professor."The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.
J.K. Rowling
Jesus!"Luke exclaimed."Actually, it's just me,"said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.
Cassandra Clare
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.
Lemony Snicket
I don't want to be a man,"said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.""Well,"said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job.
Cassandra Clare
All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.
Chuck Palahniuk
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
Groucho Marx
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.
Terry Pratchett
Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?"Harry interrupted again."So he can sneak up on people,"said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...
J.K. Rowling
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin."Need I say more?
Chris Rock
Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?""Yes.""You called her a liar?""Yes.""You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?""Yes.""Have a biscuit, Potter.
J.K. Rowling
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday
If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
E.B. White
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'.
Cassandra Clare
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Mark Twain
Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?"asked Jace."It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath.""As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome,"said Simon."I knew we should have left you a rat.
Cassandra Clare
I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.
Jane Austen
Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane.""They didn't,"Magnus said. "Your wards are down.""Really?"the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you."He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.
Cassandra Clare
What the hell is that?"I laughed."It's my fox hat.""Your fox hat?""Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.""Why are you wearing your fox hat?"I asked."Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.
John Green
Well, I’m not kissing the mundane,"said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot.""Forever?"said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it,"he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?
Cassandra Clare
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?"and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.
Stephen King
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?
Albert Einstein
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?
Albert Einstein
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
Friedrich Nietzsche
So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall.
Roald Dahl
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Maya Angelou
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
Terry Pratchett
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
Oscar Wilde
The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.
Douglas Adams
Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
Dr. Seuss
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Charles Dickens
Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn't make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie. (Jace Wayland)
Cassandra Clare
If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
Lemony Snicket
If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.
Terry Pratchett
So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.
Dr. Seuss
Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.
J.R. Ward
The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.
Cassandra Clare
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?
J.R.R. Tolkien